Osho on Commitment in a Relationship
[A sannyasin who had recently left hospital after an attack of typhoid fever, said that she was feeling paranoid and that her partner did not love her. Osho said it was natural to feel negative after illness, unless one was aware, and that illness was a great catharsis. He then asked her partner how he was feeling. He replied that he didn’t hate her, he loved her, but that his initial response to her paranoia was one of anger.]
Osho - It is natural. There is a little misunderstanding that you have to understand, and which is a good thing to understand. When you love somebody, and when you are happy with somebody, of course health is part of that happiness. You share the energy with somebody because the person is healthy, flowing. Then suddenly the partner is ill, health disappears; you are left alone.
The very reason to be with the person is no more there. You were with the person because you were feeling happy and healthy, because the other person was healthy and happy. So everything was good. Now the other person is ill. He or she is no more flowing, and the whole point of being with them is lost – you feel angry. Unless you understand that this is a part of love, that sometimes the other will be ill and that it is natural.... Sometimes you will be ill.
You have to be aware and responsible and see that when the other was healthy and happy, you enjoyed her health and happiness. Now the other person is ill. You have to serve, you have to care so that the person becomes healthy and loving and flowing again. In the West this is happening too much because something very basic is being misunderstood. People think that relationships are for when they are happy, good. When something goes wrong – even a physical illness – then why bother? Find another woman, another man – this seems very inhuman.
If this attitude remains, love cannot grow. Then whatsoever you call love is nothing but sex, because love means that you care for the person in health, in illness. You care for the person. When the person is loving – and sometimes the person is not loving – then too you care. You care for the person and you accept all summers and winters. You accept everything that is in the person. Health is there, illness is there, old age is going to be there, youth is there, anger is there, hatred is there – everything is possible.
When you choose a person, you commit yourself to the person’s totality. I’m not saying that you should celebrate her illness. I’m not saying that you should want her to remain ill, because that is a part of life. Try in every way to bring her back to health but don’t be angry with her. If you want to be angry, be angry with the illness. Don’t create any trouble for her in any way, and then she will come out of the illness sooner.
The illness is frustrating you, but don’t direct it towards her. Of course Geeta is ill, but she is not ill on her own accord – she has not chosen to be ill. One day you will be ill. And this is part of the game of being together – that we care about each other. In fact love is known only when the other partner is in tremendous need of you. When everything is going well, it is nothing much.
When things are going wrong and you still stick to the person, still stand by the person, then only you show that you belong, that the person belongs to you; that you are really together. A togetherness is a sacred commitment. It is a great involvement – for better, for worse, for life, for death. If you really love a person even death can not destroy that love. Death may come and your beloved may die, but your love and your commitment remain. When love reaches to that depth and height, it has a fragrance of the divine – otherwise it is very low, animal-like.
So nothing is wrong. These are the situations one has to grow through. Put your anger against her illness. Because you are feeling angry, she is feeling that you don’t love her, that you hate her or something. So a misunderstanding has been created. Make it clear to her that you don’t want her to be ill and that you are angry because you don’t want her to be ill. You are angry with the illness but not with her. In fact you are angry because you love her. Do you follow me? Put your anger in the right direction and help her to come out of this, mm? She loves you very much. Good.